As creatives, who are often hypersensitive, we don’t need negative help in the costume of friendship. Nothing can blow your creative flow like a well-sharpened backhanded comment. Or the less-than-subtle hint that your life’s work is worthless.
I was inspired to pen this little ditty after a friend begged me for a photoshoot at a discount, causing me to cancel a full-paying customer. And then the friend refused to pay anything. It cut me, deeply.
You know the feeling: You are not only harmed creatively, but also lose who you thought was a loved one.
So, instead of suffering their knife attacks, I say it’s time to cut them loose. By helping you, I’m helping myself.
Here are the perpetrators.
- THE FREEBEE BITCH
This is the one always lurking about, always complimentary (see Bullshit Artist, below), and always looking for a handout. No matter how many times you mention you can’t afford the brake job your car desperately needs…or food.
“I’m your friend. I’m not asking you for free — I’ll pay you for your costs.”
“Can’t you get me free tickets to your show? I shouldn’t have to pay. You love me!”
“Just do this one logo, picture, artwork, painting, photo… for me. I would do it for you!”
“When do I get my autographed FREE copy?”
“Do you have a free Patreon membership for friends?”
2. THE ABORTION PARENT
Needling little to no introduction, I present parents who are trying to abort you long after the law permits.
“This is my son / daughter who says he or she is an artist. He or she can’t take doing a real job.”
“Do you think we have the money to send you to school for this? So you can be poor your whole life and never move out?
“I can’t tell my friends you’re just an artist! I’ll keep telling them you’re still a lawyer.”
“You don’t need that (insert piece of equipment or tech); your brother needs new sneakers for football. Do you think we’re made of money?”
“Why do you need ____?” (Insert equipment or tech — for me it was getting my film developed) “Your father and I don’t have money for your little hobbies.”
“Why do you need a job at fifteen years old? You don’t need film, paint, computer…And, if you’re going to start earning money, you should start contributing to the bills around here. No, your brother doesn’t need to get a job. He’s busy with school instead of playing around with stories, paint, computers, cameras, microphones, guitars…”
3. THE CRITIC
For your own good, this demon will offer criticism even though they have never even attempted creating anything. Not a recipe. Not a story. Not a macaroni picture. But they know better.
“Hm. I don’t really like ___ (insert genre, style…). It’s not to my (refined, implied) taste.”
“I have made the following 600 edits to your two-page story. Not only did I correct your comma splices, but I have made suggestions for word choice and plot line that will significantly improve your story. What was the story about? I have no idea. Did I like it? How would I know?”
“Cool! You’re performing / showing / in a contest / publishing…. Yeah, I’m not into that kind of thing, style, genre. I prefer fine art, known commodities, award-winning productions… But good for you!”
“I can get something like that at Target.”
“If I wrote this (although I’ve never written a letter never mind a 300 page novel and the only thing I have ever read are the backs of cereal boxes), I would change the main character…”
“How can you charge so much for that? I mean, you made it in your basement. It cost you nothing to make. It’s not like you had it manufactured!”
“You never went to school for it. I’m an accountant. I went to school. No one would hire me if I did not have that degree. That should tell you something…” (Similar to the Concerned, below)
4. THE NO-TALENT
Unlike the Critic, the No-Talent Needy mentions — often — that he or she cannot do the amazing things you do. And due to their ineptitude, you should do it for them. Charity and all of that. Another category within is the one who thinks he or she does it better than you do — and never understand there’s room for us all. This ain’t the Super Bowl, people! Competition isn’t a thing in the creative arts…
“Oh, you’re a writer? I wrote my life story and I’m going to publish it. Can you send me to your agent? I heard everyone loves personal journals. It should be very popular. Do you want to read it? It’s 2000 pages.”
“Oh, you’re self-published? I need to do that. Can you do it for me (instead of working on your own project)? (Often, also, the Freebee Bitch.)
“You created a website to promote your stuff. Can you make one for me? I make sea glass glued on boards. People love it, but I need a website.” (Also, a Freebee Bitch.)
“Sorry. I don’t read other writer’s work.”
5. THE CORPORATE C-RAG
This lovely individual feels bad you don’t have a McMansion and a yacht. Poor you. On his or her death bed, they become one of the I wish I had crew. But they do have an in-ground pool and a 401k — and wish you were jealous.
“It’s so cute that you’re writing! I wish I had time for hobbies, but my job is so demanding.”
“I gave up all that dreamy kids’ stuff in college.”
“You know, I can’t believe you left your corporate job for this. I could never take that risk and lose my pension and salary — and be poor. You must be crazy.”
“I admire how you can be so weird! I wish I could be eccentric, but I need respect from my peers.”
“I don’t have time to read your story–with my important job. But can you do XYZ for me? Again. For free.” (Another Freebee Bitch in disguise.)
“Everyone wants to be an artist–but you have to be realistic and responsible. Creating isn’t a job for an adult.” (Can also be foisted upon you by the Abortion Parent.)
6. THE CONCERNED
This enemy in disguise is fighting his or her own demons. But they see fit to release the bowels of their hell all over you in the form of a therapist seeking a breakthrough for your own good.
“You’re too old to start this creative stuff.”
“The real world is too hard for you, I imagine. You’re too sensitive.”
“Do you have health insurance? I worry you can’t pay your bills. Maybe you should get a part-time job. Just something to tie you over.”
“Oh, my cousin paints / acts / sings / takes photos / plays piano….. I should put the two of you in touch! She’s poor, too.”
“You’re just not really good at writing, drawing, creating, singing…”
“You keep saying you’re writing a novel–it sure has taken you a long time. Maybe you should just forget it.”
This next is a particularly cutting one. Creative people are often creative across crafts. For example, actors who can sing and dance. Painters who can execute digital art or sculpt. Quilters who can crochet. Photographers who can write.
“You really should give up that writing thing. Your pictures are much better. If you’re going to be an artist, focus on that.”
That particular loving comment knocked me down for two years. It wasn’t writer’s block…it was much worse: An Existential Crisis.
7. COMPLIMENTARY BULLSHIT ARTIST
These are no-talent people who are either jealous or just plain mean. They offer empty compliments without specificity and never back their LOVE of the work with cash. (Similar to The Freebee Bitch) Every compliment is a backhanded slap.
“Your art is really beautiful. No, I don’t want to hire you, recommend you, buy your work…”
“I’ll read it when it’s published.”
“You’re work reminds me of that writer….What’s her name? She wrote that one book. It wasn’t very popular.”
Similar to: “Your music reminds me of Milli Vanilli.”
8. THE FUN POLICE
Always making sure you are considering how you may get arrested or sued, the fun police are protecting you — for your own good.
“Doesn’t your spouse resent you practicing your music in the house?”
“Isn’t that too loud? Do your neighbors mind?”
“Don’t do that in here. It’s smelly. Those fumes are dangerous.”
“Oh, I’ve see that before. I think you might get dinged for copyright infringement.”
“Can’t you do that later? We have important things to do…”
9. THE ZOMBIE
A paragon of a friend, this person continues to have no idea you do what you do.
“No, I didn’t see your website or share your new post. I don’t have time for that.” (I did share a meme, a recipe, and some nonsense reel.)
“I just hired a photographer to do my wedding photos. Oh, I didn’t know you did that kind of photography.”
“When did you learn to play guitar?”
“You sang in a concert last weekend? I had no idea you sing!”
“Who painted that one? In your living room? You? No way!”
10. THE CONFLICTED
Oh, the madness of The Conflicted. This best buddy can’t hire you or recommend you because it will ruin your friendship like a one-night-stand that makes hanging out awkward.
“I just hired a photographer to do my wedding photos. Oh, I can’t hire you — you’re coming to the wedding — I don’t want you to work. You’re my friend.”
“It would be weird to hire a friend to ____.” (Usually admits the truth and transforms into a Freebee Bitch.)
“If I let your band play at the party, Ill hurt the feelings all my other friends who are musicians.” (Insert any creative pursuit.)
11. THE DISINTERESTED
This friendship can be saved. But do you want to save it? This is the person that finds your pursuit outside of their interests.
“Yeah… I don’t like to read. Are there pictures?”
“Oh, I can’t make it to your event. My favorite show is on (insert easily rescheduled or meaningless thing) that night.”
“I’m not a big fan of concerts. I prefer recorded music.”
“Artsy fartsy stuff — it’s too snobby for me.”
“I don’t get it. Nah, you don’t have to explain it. Let’s get some dinner.”
12. THE BURDENED
This friend has too much on his or her plate to be supportive. Often covers as The Disinterested so he or she can have more time playing Call of Duty or watching basketball. Often is, actually, a nicer Corporate C-Rag.
“What do I do walking around the gallery? Bunch of weirdos. You know I’ll get bored.”
“I liked your post–but I don’t share posts.”
“Oh, no way. You know I can’t stand loud anything — it will trigger my tinnitus.”
“You know, the kids have this and that and my book club is meeting and that church thing…I just can’t get away, find the time…”
13. THE BESTIE BITCH
Amazing, but when you do well, the entire list above shows up as your bestie.
“Oh! You’re published? In a movie? Have a gallery show? Making money? I’d love to be there when…. Do you think famous people will be there? Will you introduce me —as your very best friend?”
14. THE ENEMY WITHIN
And the worst: The fellow creative who demands attention but gives none. They have a band and expect you to go — but can’t share your post. They write a book and want you to buy a copy but won’t go to your play — or hire a stranger to create their book cover.
It’s unrivaled betrayal.
A NEW PARADIGM: FRIENDS TO TREASURE
It’s time we, as creatives, deny these pretenders access to our souls. Here’s another list of things a true friend will say:
“Thanks for sharing your soul with me.”
“I liked it because…”
“Do you want criticism? Yes? Okay, well, I think you could fix… I found a few grammatical errors–should I send them to you?”
“I liked your piece on Medium.”
“I shared your post.”
“I bought your book!”
“I want to be a Patron. And how can I sign other people up for you?”
“Do you have anything new I can hear, read, see?”
“You’re just starting. Stop being hard on yourself. A creative career takes time.”
“I sent you a post about artists who failed a million times and became famous. Do you know Rowling lived in her car? Just give it time! Keep at it. What can I do to help?”
“I’ll be there! And I’m bringing 5 other people!”
“My friend, coworker, sister needs art, photos, band…and I recommended you, so expect that call.”
“It’s okay. Even Shakespeare had ones that were not hits. You’ll get it. Keep trying. Your work is so good.”
“One more rejection? Good! Let’s get them all piled up and out of the way for the fame!”
“I’d love to buy all your stuff — but I can’t afford you.”
“I’m saving to buy your next piece…”
“Just dedicate something to me someday.”
“I’m just honored to be in your world.”
“You got me a free ticket, book, sample? No… I’ll pay. Please. Send the freebie to the agent, critic, journalist — let’s get you some media!”
“How are you?”
“I love that one.”
“I love you.”
I realize as I pen this, one or more people who know me personally (who I might at one time called friend) will read this and recognize himself or herself in the words. Good.
For those of you who are true friends, who are supportive, who are always there, for me or other creators in your life — thank you. You are angels. The creative world needs and depends on you to thrive.
For those of you who don’t get it, you need to change how you approach creative people like me. Or just stay away. Because most of us are too nice to tell you to fuck off.
I’m not that nice.
