Shit.

Damn it.

Son of a bitch.

Eh. Those curses and swears just don’t do it for me anymore. Often, I need just the right explicative to punctuate the moment.

Fuck’n A Right.

I’m talking about profanity: an expression of strong feeling through the use of, often, an impolite, or rude word or phrase. Profanity is often deemed offensive and occasionally deemed sinful.

My use of profanity serves two purposes:

(A) As an intensifier: That’s frigging perfect. (Can be a positive or a negative statement.)

(B) As fighting words: You’re a frigging genius. (Always a sarcastic gauntlet thrown.)

Profanity has two categories: curses and swear words.

A curse, or a profane oath or word used to express anger or annoyance, typically includes damnation or punishment for another person or an object. Like:

Burst into flames foul end table on which I stubbed my little toe, resulting in temporary blindness and vertigo.

A swear word is a mere obscene utterance to express emotion or lessen pain. Like:

Shit. I stubbed my toe on the fucking end table!

THE OLD AND THE NEW

While many lexicographers suggest reincorporating examples of historical profanity into our present lexicon, I suggest embracing new terms with modern applications. The ancient terms don’t cut it anymore. What does the Germanic shit really mean? To cut, to split. Diarrhea. To be deemed garbage. An obnoxious person.

Yeah. Like other ancient curses and swearwords, I need more. I need terms that relate to modern tribulations, emotional explosions, and bothersome persons who need a talking to.

NEW, HIP PROFANITY

Therefore, I present the following for your consideration:

I keya! The new swear for stubbing your toe. You can also try: Copay robber!

Friggedbladdershanks: A swear word to express ice coated nipples when you enter a cold shower to relieve tortuous menopausal night sweats just as the post-sweat chill overtakes you.

Alas Elas: The swear for the moment you are shopping, dutifully wearing your facemask. But its failing elastic keeps resulting it to slip off your nose and the astute and ever-vigilent pharmacy manager demands you leave the store and forgo obtaining your anxiety medication.

Maskard! you curse the pharmacy manager just for good measure to let her know without a doubt that she should be cast into hell as unworthy for insisting people wear masks although no other person is at the pharmacy or in the store at 7 am. (This curse is also useful for those who wear masks when in his or her car alone.)

Suckerprick. The curse uttered against the pseudo-science life coach’s advice to breathe through your anxiety after you inexpertly attempt to soothe your ruffled Maskard abused self. Which of course occurs just before your career breaking and mangled virtual sales pitch to your dream customer.

Povertungus! Good for emotional outburst when realizing you lost the customer and will soon be homeless and on food stamps. Is useful when a victim of a reduction in workforce, answering the door for the sheriff serving the eviction, or after seeing the cable bill.

Deforest Kelly! Curse for that aunt who insists on sending paper cards or the teacher who continues to use handouts. Can also be used for those who hoard video tapes, CDs, and DVDs.

Captain My Captain Robin! A tribute to Robin Williams, the swear when a loss is so sad and tragic that what-the-fuck does not hold enough impact.

Fugly Hugs! A swear to express how you feel as used as a chick flick movie theater discarded tissue. Especially when your spoiled nephew forgets your name except on his birthday when you present him with his desired toy.

Thank you Walmart shopper. The curse on that same nephew. Or anyone who cares for more things than people. Including Walmart itself.

Mother-Algorythm. The perfect swear when not a single job posting has responded to your application.

Blocked! Instead of calling someone an asshole (which never made sense to me), this new curse clearly sums up that person’s existence.

Like button! This curse is the modern alternative to phoney, fake, poser, ass-kisser, and similar.

Foodie Photo! Another modern curse identifying the attention-seeking minute-by-minute life poster.

Oh, Fresh Prince! When anything shocking happens to you — but you should have known it might happen.

White out! The perfect curse for that special someone who uses so many filters for her self-important selfies that she no longer has texture in her skin and could substitute for a mannequin at Target.

You’ve got mail! is a curse best used for when grandma calls for the third time during your Netflix binge to ask how to attach a photo to her email. (She’s no Deforest Kelly!)

Buzzdemon! Perfect swear for when your bullet vibrator dies prior to climaxing, but your guests are about to arrive so you will not have time to release for at least six hours.

Amazacrap! Swear after you enter your entire order and on the payment page learn that every item is unavailable or sold out except for black pepper and frozen peas. But you can get the rest of it in six to eight weeks from a warehouse in Beijing.

Romanceacuck. Swear for the moment you reach the end of the internet in your search for the perfect anniversary gift, but learn that no outlet can deliver until six weeks after your special day even if you order six weeks before your special day.

You Blockbuster! Perfect curse for your malfunctioning copy machine. Because it’s going the way of useless products and services. Can also be used against real estate agents, gasoline pump attendants, and typewriter salespeople.

THE GRAND-MUTHER OF THEM ALL

Last, I considered, with trepidation and a lack of faith, the means to replace the royalty of all curses: Fuck. From the German, it means: To strike.

As curses and swears go, none is superior. Fuck serves as every part of speech and a multitude of occasions, slipping from the tongue to both curse another and swear when the situation dictates. Here’s a proper list:

Fuck! Or, for those who still count on heaven: Holy fuck! I’m fucked. Don’t fuck with me. Fuckwad. Bumfuck (often with Egypt or Pennsylvania indicating you are lost if the former or in a place too benign to enjoy if the latter). Fuck you(oh, so obvious and trite). Fucker. Fuckface. Fuck head. Fuck-knuckle. Bumblefuck. Dumbfuck. Fuck wit. Ugly fuck. Fuckwad.

I don’t give a fuck (IDGF). I couldn’t give a fuck (or two fucks). Fuck all. Fuckton. Zero fucks given.

I got fucked, or I got fucked over. They fucked around with me. Or you. Or, when speaking about the IRS, with everyone. Or you can fuck around on a good day. Apparently, if you do it to yourself, it’s good. If someone does it to you, it’s bad.

Tired as fuck (TAF).

Get the fuck out of here! (A curse or a swear of amazement.)

That’s fucked. Fuck it! Fuck if I know. Fuck off. Go fuck yourself. Shut the fuck up. (STFU). Get fucked.

Facefuck or fingerfuck (both far too obscene for even me). I prefer Fuckbuddy. Fuckhole. Fucking fuck. Fuckless. Fuckbag. Fuckstick (when dick just doesn’t do it).

That’s fucked. It’s fucked (or made in China). Fucking hell. Mindfuck. Fuckery. WTF (what the fuck?) Fuckaround. Fuck-fest. Or, if you prefer, Fuck-In. Clusterfuck. Royaly fucked. You fucked up, you fuck up. Fuck-show (a personal favorite I am apt to use daily) Fuckjob. FUBAR. Fuck my life (FML).

Fuck a duck. Fuck. You fuck. Fuck me (please). Fuck this. Fuck that. For fuck’s sake (FFS). Fucking fuck. Fucking A. (Or, if you are from New Jersey: Fuckin’ A).

Absofucking-lutely. Fuck, yeah! Fuck, no. In-fucking-credible.

And the Queen of All: Muther Fucker. Motherfucker. Mfer and Mofo.

Typing that was incredibly rewarding. Try it. I’m sure you can think of a few more.

However, we need something fresh. Something modern. Something cutting edge.

To replace the curse royalty fuck, I offer: Zuckerbag.

If you don’t like it, zuckerbag off you zuckerbagging zuckerbaggers.