Universal Vacation Rates Earth 2 out of 10

After my fifty-year assignment on the planet Earth, I rate it two out of ten stars. For your vacation this season, Signus 17 or Toroque Zine offer more perks and value for your coin.

But don’t just take my word for it! Our practice at Universal Vacation is to give you the travel information you crave to make up your own mind. Here are the vital details to weigh before you transport to this third planet from Star 4.86.95.

---

My assignment included a memory-block so I could experience Earth as a resident: intimate and immersed. While I suffered with a lingering sense that I was on a mission of some sort, I did not realize that I was a Senior Universal Vacation Auditor until a sol ago. Good thing my recall returned before my deadline for this article! From my perspective as one who has resided on this rock as one of them, I can offer you an insider peek into the planetary experience.

As you have come to expect from Universal Vacation, here are the key points:

---

Inhabitants: 3 out of 10 stars.

Earth hosts a range of inhabitants, ranging from anthropoids to amphipods to fish to insects. You will find distant cousins here on Earth! But be warned: a single species, home sapiens, a simian anthropoid (humanoid), who call themselves human, have deemed themselves superior to all other species. While each of us is familiar with food-chain behavior, humanoids hunt and kill other species for sport. As an arachnid, I found the planet unfriendly to those of my kind and suffered daily destruction of my delicate web home. I suggest unless you are a humanoid, you travel with a humanoid escort. As these humanoids regularly keep other species captive, you will have less difficulty traveling as a captive species the humans call a pet.

“Traveled to Earth for three glorious days last moon phase. With my Universal Travel Humanoid Escort, the trip was safe — and enjoyable! My one caveat: If you are felidae, avoid Asia and any area within cities where Asian humanoids live — or you’ll find yourself on a plate with salad!” — Odin Mew, UT Gold Member

Because of the deleterious cultural alignment and separatist philosophy among Earth’s simian anthropoid, you will find an impossible-to-master diversity of spoken languages. Overall, species outside of the humans share the common tongue. Practice your nonverbal language and visit our Comm Guidebook for interpreter assistance.

Note, however, several species of the planet are friendly and respectful. Spend your time with dolphins or whales (aquatic mammals), dogs (land mammals), or owls (birds). For those of us of the insect, arachnid, or Lepidoptera orders, you will find the inhabitant-cousins welcoming! Visit our Tourism page to contact exchange host members.

---

Environment: 7 out of 10 stars.

Nitrogen dependant lifeforms will thrive! No need for a breathing unit. Oxygen-breathers will be comfortable on this little world — but avoid the cities in the areas the humans call China and India, and the section called California due to the critical air pollution levels. If you are a plant-based life form, Earth can be a struggle: humanoids regularly destroy forests. Our suggestion for light-synthesizing friends: visit Alaska or portions of South America.

The weather varies from bitter cold to boiling hot, wet to dry, and breezy to still. Use our helpful and patented Zone Maps Elite to pinpoint the weather for the time of year and location you choose to travel.

Best Tropical: Riviera Maya, Maldives, or Hawaii

Best Desert: Egypt, Namibia, or Dubai

Best Frigid: Alaska, Iceland, Antarctica

---

Cuisine: 7 out of 10 stars.

Earth has abundant plant and animal diversity — which means their menu is better than your average early stage planet! Enjoy grain-based products, fat-rich sauces, and fermented beverages. Vegetarian or vegan options are plentiful. Once you’ve secured your hunting permit, feel free to dine.

Yet, be aware, selections are often tainted with toxic pesticides and plagued with genetic alteration. While the humanoid inhabitants have not mastered organic processes, you can find some local produce, meat, poultry, and fish without contaminants. Visit humanoid dining, which boasts organic or farm-to-table. But even then, bring your species-designed ToxKit to test your food before ingestion.

Should you feel ill while visiting Earth, take advantage of Universal Vacation’s MedSpot program. We would also suggest our UV Insurance Plan, which covers injury and fatality, should you suffer a tragedy.

Our suggested dining hot spots:

• Barcelona or Madrid, Spain
• Italy (except the bistro Angelo’s in Plaza San Marco — unless you are on a roach-dependant diet)
• Tokyo, Japan

And if you are interested in consuming the humanoids of the planet, beware! The most recent toxicity report from our MedForm office lists Earth humanoids as the most toxic meat! These little creatures ingest the highest levels of toxic chemicals to treat every ailment. That’s right: They still use chemicals to treat everything from cancer to warts! Also, be aware all they consume has been treated with steroids and pesticides — so humanoids are not safe to consume unless you capture one and bring it to a detoxification station prior to cooking and eating.

“When visiting Earth, I use only Universal Vacation’s DeTox Plus station to prepare and ship my humanoid meals. The customer service is superior. They even offer freeze-drying and a tasting station.” — Chz Steip. Third Place 2019, Earth Hunt a Wall Street Banker Competition.

---

Sightseeing: See It and Skip It Attractions — 6 out of 10 stars.

Overall, Earth’s not-to-miss hot spots are the reason it remains on Universal Vacation’s tour agenda. Be assured: a long weekend will be plenty of time to swoop in and visit the best of the best.

The Grand Canyon: As this Auditor’s favorite Earth See It locale, the Grand Canyon, in the area called Arizona, is a geological marvel rivaled only by the Refrus Bondal Trench on Deflon 1.47. If you’ve enjoyed summers at the Trench, you will favor the vistas of Earth’s 446 kilometer wonder.

The Mariana Trench: between tectonic plates, this location is one to write home about! Beautiful, serene, and vast, it’s a favorite for visual artists. Travelers who can tolerate submerged and high-pressure environments will be the most comfortable. Otherwise, visit our Dive In page for the latest in exploration equipment. The best part is that you will tour in solitude as the Trench is uninhabited by the humanoids! (Be warned: The humanoids have managed to pollute this remote place. See Environment, above.)

The Great Wall of China: An inhabitant-constructed masterpiece, you can enjoy aerial views on one of Universal Vacation’s Airbus Tours. From the comfort of your private viewing suite, you will enjoy the site, with a Universal Vacation knowledgeable and friendly companion guide. Or get close and traverse the over 20,000 kilometer wall. A recent addition to the Earth landscape, the humans spent two gigbot years (2,300 Earth sols) to construct the wall for property defense. Yes, kingdoms and warlords! At least an Earth vacation will keep you amused!

Skip it: Although recommended in Universal Fordors, I found these tourist attractions overrated, not family-friendly, and too expensive:

Washington, D.C.. While the architecture is reminiscent of ancient masculine-dominated democracies, and interesting to history buffs, the crowds, expense, and rudeness of the residents detract from desirability.

Hollywood, California. Unless you are writing your graduate thesis on mental illness or ancient entertainment rituals, Hollywood is firmly positioned on the skip-it list. Descriptors shallow, materialistic, sex-obsessed, earn this alleged hot spot a low-totem position with the least evolved humans.

Europe. Aside from Italy and Spain (for cuisine), avoid Europe if you can. Dublin pubs, Parisian restaurants, and London museums are celebrated across the universe, I admit. However, these recommendations are misguided. The crowds, pollution, and cost earn Europe, as a port of call, a skip-it designation.

---

Activities: 5 out of 10 stars.

History: Humans offer history museums as a visual representation of their evolution. As the history of this humanoid species occupies a mere two-thousandths of time, omitting the history of the remaining Earth species is disappointing (and a violation of Interuniversal Law 6.*756–4bd. But the Earthlings are not party to the treaties as of yet). To appreciate the inclusive history of this minor planet, you will need to consult Universal Vacation’sGeoMaps and TimeSlides (patent pending).

For those interested in humanoid history, eschew the museums and choose instead to tour points of ancient and modern culture to appreciate the story of Earth. Hot ancient spots: Egypt, Italy, Greece, Iran, Turkey, Northeast China. To experience the downfall of an empire, sign up for our highly popular US Tour program.

“The wife and kids and me did the US Tour last year. Our guide was brilliant, knowledgeable about both Earth culture and comparative systems. We watched as these humanoids destroyed their environment, their economy, and each other. Protests, fires, abuse of children — a true devolution into perversion, greed, and madness! What a trip!” — Vince Tiptee, Three-Time Tour Customer

Visual Art: I had to take a moment before writing this review to not allow my observation within this section to skew my audit of this minor planet. As a descendant of fine artist F6 Chesterton, the universal acknowledged arachnid master, I found the galleries and art museums highly disappointing. Again, humanoids omit artistry across Earth’s species, notably limiting depiction of web craft, nest construction, or avian dance to their own visual capture (what they call photography or video). You will find to your disappointment, the humanoids’ foray into visual art is, with limited exceptions, devoid of skill and overly dependent upon machines.

Science: See Environment and History, above.

Music: Lucky to not have ears, I found Earth’s music scene, with few exceptions, deplorable. You may notice a theme in this audit: the humanoids exert complete artistic control. You will not find a public Aves, Polypodiophyta, or Chordata venue anywhere on the planet — although you can use Universal Vacation’s Underground Today to find those black-market and secret locations to enjoy an old-fashioned fern chorus! For humanoid music, you are best served visiting what is called a record store for historical musical forms. At this point in Earth’s evolution, like visual art, sound art is disappointing.

Sporting Events: All Earth sports are competitive, which is shocking but understandable considering their early stage of evolution. They, again, focus solely on humanoid achievement, with the use of other species like horses and dogs as tools. While they tout the best of the best human performance over time, tourists will be disappointed with the warlike approach to physical achievement. We are accustomed to personal achievement across species and worlds, celebrating life’s pinnacles. Earth’s silly games will shock and amuse you. They celebate the land-speed of a humanoid as an achievement, even though the cheetah is the fastest land animal! For sports fans, Universal Vacation suggests a visit to Plagram Minor: The flaquiel races are a thing of beauty!

If you choose participation over attendance, Universal Vacation notes Earth offers recreation for water, sky, and land activities. See our TourPlan page for suggestions.

“A day-slide across Earth’s Sahara was just the thing to lighten my spirits after an especially cold winter on X.34!” — Herb Wesh, UV Gold Member

---

Friendliness: 2 out of 10 stars.

While the species other than the humanoids are generally friendly, the humans are so unapproachable, you must remain guarded for the entirety of your trip. Even if your intention is to meet your own kind on Earth, avoiding humans is difficult. They are everywhere and will intrude on every exchange. If plied with alcohol or money, humans can become warm and welcoming, but are otherwise argumentative or depressive. On your trip to Earth, observe before engaging.

---

Evolution Position: 0 out of 10 stars.

The self-proclaimed dominant humanoids are in the tech-drive evolutionary phase. They have mastered local space exploration, but they have not investigated the depths of their own oceans! Populated with those who prefer tech-screens to direct eye-contact, tourists are likely to face dangerous situations (see Culture). While these humans have the intelligence to reproduce atomic reaction, their ethical awareness, akin to a juvenile Plurot, has them using atomic power as a weapon! Yes, these little monkey-forms still depend on war and extermination to settle differences. They fight over resources instead of using technology to solve shortages. They kill — kill — each other over spiritual practices and melanin concentration. And, they stilluse fossil-based fuels (see Environment, above). And not to upset our plant-species readers, although some Earthlings appreciate the climate and life-balance, most destroy forests for profit. Shocking and disappointing, unless you are a history-buff or archeologist, Earth is a skip-it.

---

Value: 2 out of 10 stars. Earth: Great for a few hours or as an observation destination, but not family-friendly and far too expensive to waste your time for the few See It hot spots. If you decide to visit, treat your vacation as adventure travel and secure a reputable guide from Universal Vacation’s Expert Tours. My recommendation: choose from thousands of better-value destinations with our Where Should I Go? Selector (patent pending)

Skip Earth! Save your time and your coin and stick to vacationing at one of the star properties on our Go-To list!